When are we straightjacketed into our futures? Into our fixed self? Until our options are reduced to one?
I used to think one course can be intuited. Then set a mandate for perceiving for myself that there always are at least 3 ways of going. Does a base personality govern anything?
I am torn over how much wiggle room I have. Am I my chemistry, history, or also my future choices? Each person has a range. Is mine narrow? When someone says, you’re just like you were at 6, climbing up trees and ladders and being fearless, is that true in any way? Most of what I remember of my childhood is fear and anger.
Can I dredge me wider? Change has always been a pet interest. What can I open? What’s around that and that and that. Why, but why, but why wasn’t a phase I grew out of.
I remember being about 14 and standing in a particular spot with a notebook and deciding to test if I can induce multiple personalities. Whenever I got too crushed down by all the rules I made for myself, I could invoke my alternate persona and see what she would say. She never said, she only wrote, in handwriting different than mine. She was permitted to be angry and to name who and why. She was permitted waves of grief. She could smoke. She was a release valve.
[For the next 5 days, bits of memoir of the last 10-30 years will be posted.]