Finished the 5th painting, this of the apostrophe and semicolon preoccupation. Calling it “peroxide blond”.
Glad to get some time to paint. I’m now out of stretched canvas, unless I paint over something or unless I’ve stashed more somewhere unexpected/disorganizedly.
Glad to use the hands. It’s quite a different iteration process to do rewriting with a pencil than computer edits, quite different to do acrylic than digital. I can’t breathe so well with the off-gassing of acrylics but then, I’m allergic and live with a cat so breathing is compromised at the best of nights.
Glad I have a laptop and a helpful hubby because I did a real number on myself. (And it wasn’t one of those fun numbers.)
About an hour into The Great Snowshoe Excursion—which ended up being 3 hours— realized that by the snowed in river one can’t exactly call a cab or hail a bus. Each step took a conscious pull and wish I could fire the fool limb off and hop on my way.
My left leg is now a match for my back. Turning over in the night was a whole other kind of adventure.
At least I can say I don’t do things halfway.
I do things more 1/5 of the way if we’re talking about my grandpa shuffle.
my feet won’t climb the stair,
I will only ask one favor:
Don’t bring me no rocking chair.
When you see me walking, stumbling,
Don’t study and get it wrong.
‘Cause tired don’t mean lazy
And every goodbye ain’t gone.
Inconvenient my body’s greed for rest but glad to be able to sleep because it’s better than its opposite.
Glad to hear the crows having their chat out there and see the softly piled new snow.
Glad to have class coming tonight as we dig into poems that make an argument.
Glad this is Martin Luther King Jr Day over the border. “Up from a past that’s rooted in pain/I rise/I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide”~ Still I rise
Yup, think I’m at the end of thought.
Comments Off on Life Schtuff
Photos are like dust particles for a word-snowstorm to gather around.
When too tired for words, there are photos.
When there are no photos…Houston, we have a problem.
I suppose that means clear skies for doing rather than talking head.
But body feels like a rusty nail.
Bah, such a headache. Day 2 of feeling steamrolled.
Good thing good events are good because the crash is substantial for an insubstantial thing.
Ever feel like a chump for going to a dentist?
Pah. Complaint is a cheetah on a plain, and entraining for gladness is getting a cat to do chin-ups.
A gratefulness journal for 8 weeks (3 things, most days) improves the ticker.
It’s probably not a stretch to say it aids the immune system, joints, skin condition and various viscera as well.
Let’s see, what causes gut-yes. I’m gonna need more than 3 per dose.
These once existed for order.
The laugh thru the wall of bingo of humorous email received.
The tumble and mumble of rain. The unseen snow disappears.
Thunder. I love thunder. Winter is long without it. Lightning flashes.
Being indoors with no need to go out and heat.
And found slippers.
So I forgot to return the library books. Another day.
So I took the money with me and walked right past the bank and didn’t deposit. Another day.
So 3 chapbooks were stolen out of the store rack despite the price tag on them. So they may be enjoyed out there.
This radish thong.
Being outside on the warmest day of the year yet, maybe. Hatless with a warm wind in the face. Despite winter coats, it’s like a walk on the beach.
Finally booked an eye exam so maybe in a couple weeks or so I’ll be able to see clearly again. That’d be nifty.
Saw frames that I actually liked. Huh. I’ve gone thru half a dozen websites and 3 stores with no, no, no. Except for one $700 frame in Toronto. Ach.
What else was a yes, Latin-English translator is nifty.
Earache subsided. Not better but not spiking worse.
Making up absurd translations for Italian sentences as hubby plays his learn-Italian videos.
The subtler pleasure of being able to transfer my Spanish knowledge to Italian. Did I get that right? Maybe I retained something.
Finding my brain that stammered so painfully slowly at reading French poetry zips along on a much more fluent pace at the simpler structures and vocabulary level of L’Actualité magazine.
Long hot shower.
Warm fruit tea.
A date day of slow time, conversation, totally non-instrumental speech, time for catching up and daydreaming aloud, curiosity about each other.
The smoothness of a returned chin. As much as I also liked his beard.
Seeing one pair of pants I kinda liked and taking just one pair of jeans to the dressing room and them fitting like they were tailored. And $6. Sweet. Not everybody’s a gamber but everyone loves a deal.
Emails from friends.
That I could be there for mom’s medical visit and could do something useful and concrete like push her chair thru the long halls, and feed her when we got back.
The look of new paint colour.
A favourite tomato sauce. I could chug that straight from the jar, it’s so good. But I won’t.
The small uncomplicated beauty of hanging out.
Alright, time to do some of that.
The internet is visual Redbull. It’s easy to get overstimulated. It can be all heroes arc and villains all the time without nuance. Infinite options, news, some kind of informational black hole. The rate of reading is so much faster disclosure than conversations wending about.
Somewhere on twitter someone said it articulately. Something like: Say no to any things that aren’t a ‘heck yeah! I’m in.’
To add to the glad game, migraine medd, Motrin and sympathy when I crash.
Phone connection and emails to check on those I love from far off.
An aunt being back out of the hospital.
Making time for a walk and a spontaneous date long enough to get thru debriefing and onto dreaming. HY.
There is so much to do but balance means mixing it up. There’s no natural end to work. Boundaries are arbitrary and imposed.
I could keep on going headlong, or allow myself to be pulled up short by, “I’m not demanding that you work harder or faster. What I’m asking you is what your priority is.”
Lack of focus can be a good thing. The body kicks against it but still it’s a Heck Yeah.
While I don’t entirely approve of premature jubilation for Christmas, dozens of little kids shouting Merry Christmas kinda wavered me over the line.
I was going to ease into the day and read, and did for a bit
One can touch the book and get swatted, or stay off her book.
Possession is 9/10th of the law, yes? (What Guttersnipe Spy Snitched that to the Cats?)
Yesterday everything became overwhelming and impossible. Yesterday crashed. No burn. Okay a little singed, and less singing around the edges.
I got up at 10, kinda up, and at quarter speed did some life-maintenance schtuff and fell into a deep sleep again at 4 until 6 then made it to 9pm and slept almost around the clock.
Sleep is a good doctor.
I’m still moving at half speed but the world doesn’t seem so daunting. My throat isn’t sore so maybe my immune system deflected the incoming or maybe it’s too soon to say.
But glad game:
- Sunshine that doesn’t twist behind and hurt the eyes
- Foot rub for aching feet
- Citrus. Sourcing clementines. A taste for grapefruit.
- Some days call for opening a new pair of socks. I keep a few pristine ones in their package for days such as this.
- Looking back and feeling like a dream echoes of well-being.
- To see friends happy.
- The glory which is delivery. Food brought to sofa when anything else seems as hard as taking the scythe to the field and pulling a millstone myself
- Files that open and are not in a haste to crash.
- Ah, well-timed comedy, Pages.
- The small victory of bringing a full change of clothes to the bathroom. Instead of say, 3 pairs of pants and no shirt.
- The small pleasure of combing the hair and the realization later that it means I can lift my arm without pain as a normal thing.
- The scent of aromatic eastern red cedar. I once nearly bought a chest of that and now our closet will be lined with it.
- Some loops take decades to complete. Let’s call this good.
- A cat who could be anywhere but chooses to flop near
- The fickleness of memory that cuts both ways. When spiralling down, can only see things that went that way but when upward, can access only upwards as salient. Knowing the game’s blindspots doesn’t detract from grabbing the next cab up
- Gradually learning when not to push it. Can’t. So be it. But want. But can’t. But chest compression. But life’s self-leveling so wait.
- The fingers have their own intentions. I aim to write slices and fingers type smiled. Is the part of my body that is sloppy also pressing an agenda of happy? Probably random misalignments that happen to signify. I’ll take it.
- Reading aloud together until one or the other falls asleep.
- Work I find useful and satisfying. Some design, some hands on, some promise of connecting right words to the mind that will receive them.
It’s good to count your blessing while you can remember them. When the neural weather system reverses, they still may be unreachable as something with significance but they might glimmer.
A family reunion was fun. I like having something to do that is needed. So I was in charge of getting people to sign the attendance sheet and write their names on a slip for door prizes, and then going to find the people when they won who had scattered all over, in a circle playing music, or another playing badminton, or kicking a soccer ball,
or gone up to visit the neighbour’s cows, or down to the river to look for snakes, or gone for a walk around the pond, or sitting in the shade.
Got a chance to have a few words with a few. Lowering expectations to dribs and drabs that may accumulate or not, but being present for little bits.
Mom dropped another couple bags of things I left at her house when I moved out, including the best jeans ever. If I ever return to my 8-year-old frame, I would totally wear those red roadrunners again. Also, this:
I do not remember cutting the sleeves off a sweatshirt. Or writing this. Misspelling totally unintentional I’m sure. Did I wear it in public with that written on the back? The past is a mysterious country.
Five social events in 2 weeks. What butterflies we are. And after a sense of well-being. For Canada Day I thought I pulled a muscle in my face from smiling. I haven’t laughed that much in a long while.
Yesterday slow, mellow easy company. Sometimes it feels impossibly hard as such a long pattern and then this. Sometimes one gets the illusion that life might be easy. And/or funny.
Older Ladies by Donnalou Stevens has that wonderful balance of good humour and standing self-assessing as acceptable and self-assured. With 5 million views in a month, seems the world has been waiting for that message.
A time for refusing and reflecting putdowns, not silently shrugging off like that 14-year-old Carleigh. Determine one’s own terms of engagement.
And canning small joys. For almost a month I’ve been planning to try this. (The post at Eaten Up at noon tomorrow.)
It’s a hard sweet spot to hit to want something enough to do it and to not want something so much that it is paralyzing. Stage fright and performance anxiety aren’t just for conversation and presentation. Alone in the kitchen. Until it’s in the thick of it. Then there’s a breakthru in the doing. As with anything else.
To do something concrete. To saw off 4 limbs and have the backyard less overhung with leaves. I have a sap-lust. Is this how lumberjacks start? Or deserts? If only we could eat Manitoba Maple we’d never be able to go hungry.
Imagine all the funny human tricks I can do — like lift a heady pot, or carry limbs again. Or lift laundry onto the line. Or carry a table. It’s been 14 months or so since I was that normal. Sometimes the shoulder aches if I lift too much for too long, or lie on it for too long, but it is largely normal.
A good normal of wanting the well-being for one another, asking after, the casual walk by with a touch on the back or arm. And the longer time off together, with an excuse of food.
Sunny days of zig zag hopping all around the yard. I don’t know how we’ll explain winter to her. A rainy day is lament enough. Her ears back and meowing when it’s raining out not just the front door, but at the back door too. She adds an inordinate joy with her curiosity and innocence.
And yesterday the sweetness of standing together under a roof in a white out of downpour, sheets of rain blowing down the water-covered river of a street. Cat at our feet. On other verandas along the street other people out watching the torrential rain. I ran out in it for the cold shock and at my squeak, the cat retreated closer to the door then as the rained eased came back to hunker between our ankles.
It’s rather nice that a being so independent could be anywhere and chooses there. I woke to her sleeping against my ankle. Hubby at the other side. Good way to ease into a day.